Happy.

I freaking love being a mom.

I looked around the other day and wondered what felt so weird. Then realize what it was: I'm fulfilled, dammit. I never knew what it was like to feel like I had everything I wanted. I don't know how long this will last, but while it does I'd like to hold onto it.

I used to worry that having kids would be a drag -- that it would cramp my style (ha), make me unable to fit into my jeans, turn my hair gray, distract me from the other things in life that mattered: having a job, maintaining friendships with the people I love, having a little time out of every day for myself. b

But the opposite has been true: my life is more fun now that I have a kid, and in ways I never thought it would be. Sure, I always imagined that going to Disneyland with my child would be a good time. But what I didn't realize is that the simple acts of everyday life would be made fun and interesting because I now see them from my daughter's perspective.

Sadie finds wonder in everything. When we checked into the hotel last weekend in Sunnyvale, she became fascinated by the pattern on the carpet. "Many, many grapes," she explained to us in the sort of hushed tones you'd reserve for meandering around, say, the Roman Coliseum. And when we're in the car and she asks for "More fingers," I know it means she wants me to reach into the car seat and pretend that my hand is gobbling her up so she can grab my fingers and shriek with laughter, a game that amuses her for miles.

Last year was hard. Life was impossible to predict, and it felt out of control. I wanted routine and I couldn't find it. Sadie wanted to do so many things she couldn't, and it made her frustrated and afraid when I wasn't there to take care of her. I had no regular exercise routine, no job.

Now, I finally feel that for a short time at least, we have achieved normalcy. Ana came into our lives, took my daughter by the hand, and sent me away to go do other things for a few hours a day. I started being able to do things like get my nails done every once in awhile. (It's amazing what a manicure can do for sanity.) And most important for my own sense of well-being, I began doing regular freelance writing again -- work that I love, that makes me happy, that I am good at and want more of.

Last week, my old friend Aaron came into town for a visit. We didn't have a lot of time (we never do), but I gave him a ride into the city and we chatted on the way over. When he asked me how things have been going, I struggled for words. "Things are...I'm...it's good. It's all really good."

What I meant was, for the first time possibly in my entire life, I can't find anything to complain about. And while I'm sure that will change soon enough, for now I'm going to close my eyes and enjoy it.