Welcome, weary traveler, to our humble abode in the heart of the bustling City of Studio! You are welcome here. We are a simple people who co-exist with our neighbors and our animals in peace, but there is one thing you should know before you lay down your pack and rest.
You see, our home is ruled by a vengeful god known as The Sadie, otherwise known as She Who Must Be Appeased.
The Sadie is a mysterious being. We know little about her, though we have devoted many hours to studying her to learn the ins and outs of her capricious ways. There is precious little knowledge we can impart to you, weary traveler, but what knowledge we do have is yours.
To begin with, The Sadie must be placated with regular gifts of food. Milk is best; however, in the case of emergency, the severed head of a spring-born baby calf will also suffice.
The Sadie does not enjoy being put down, as this places her on the same level as everyday humans and she wants you to know she is more special than that.
There are two exceptions to this rule: The Sadie will deign to sit in her vibrating bouncy seat while you shower, as she is pleased by the sound of running water -- FOR A FEW MINUTES ONLY. (The Sadie does not like you to push your luck.) Also, The Sadie enjoys lying on the changing table while you rub her ass with wet wipes. She likes you to know your place.
A warning! The Sadie can also be worshipped at the sacred baths, but you must take caution. She may seem to enjoy the bath by closing her eyes and smiling the entire time. Do not let her seeming pleasure lull you into a sense of false complacency. The next time you attempt to bathe her, she will react with great fury and outrage as if you are poking her in her belly button with sharp sticks. There is no rhyme or reason to this. The mind of The Sadie is unknowable.
Much like the clouds gather over the distant mountaintop of Haleakala each afternoon, the end of the day brings thunderclouds to our home, known locally as the Sadie Shitstorm. Yes, there is actual shit involved. Also screaming. There is no shelter from the storm. It can only be waited out with the coming of evening and that special, sacred time of day known as Sadie's Bedtime. No one knows why the afternoon displeases our great goddess. It is part of her mystery.
Should The Sadie make her presence known to you in the middle of the night, weary traveler, do not fear. Wrap her in a blanket, sit down on our Big Blue Exercise Ball, and get ready to repeat the sacred chant. Here are the words, sung to the melody of Buddy Holly's "Peggy Sue":
Sadie Sue
Sadie Sue
Pretty pretty pretty pretty Sadie Sue
Oh, Sadie
My Sadie Sue
Oh I love you, gal, yes I love you, Sadie Sue.
The chant MUST be repeated no less than fifty times, after which if The Sadie has seen fit to smile upon you, she may allow you to go back to sleep.
We wish you the best of luck, gentle stranger. Welcome to the strange, exciting world of The Sadie.
All Hail The Sadie! Ya know, mom said she's an old soul- older than all of us. I'm inclined to believe this, but then again, I really go in for the mysty woo woo stuff. She is just a little goddess, exercising her mighty sway on our meager wills. Just wait till she and Pepper get together tomorrow! Hilarity awaits!
ReplyDelete[this is good] Not sure where you read the bit about poop declining after birth. In our experience, it should grow exponentially in noise, size and mess for at least one year.
ReplyDeleteAt that point, the baby is turned over to Penny for toilet training. :)